Emotionally Spent
It's been almost two years since I left my comfort zone, AKA the Northeast, for the betterment of my career. When I arrived, I was excited about my job, looking forward to my first solo apartment, eager to make a good impression on everybody. I knew from the start it would not be easy-- no friends, a total newbie to this and any full-time biomedical engineering job, and worst of all, huge amounts of distance between me and those I love... and the one I love. Still, I was, and am, full of perseverance and drive.
But now that I'm so close to the end of this stay in Atlanta, I feel like a car that's falling apart as it crosses the finish line. No, nothing specific in my life is falling apart, but I am feeling mentally run down, less capable, not functioning to my full potential. I'm accomplishing little to nothing at work and at home right now. I try to stop my mind from being 100% occupied by my return to Rhode Island. Less than 72 hours left, and less than two days of work.
Maybe you know this from your own life, but distance in relationships is not easy. Also, its effect is not simple. Some may think that it's a big weight that you carry, and if it doesn't break both of you, it will make you stronger. It's more sinister than that: distance will clue you in to the little things that you need to do better. The way it wears on you will change every day. Physical distance can show you when you make emotional distance happen. I've got a very strong person who has been weathering it with me, and I think it has made us both stronger. Now, as that distance goes away, I want the chance to show her how strong I can be for her when I'm there with her.
These last few days have been interesting in terms of my interactions with people. When I left friends in Prov, it was a "c'ya later" for the most part, even to those who I might never see again. Saying goodbye hits me totally different right now. I've just potentially said my final farewells (in person at least) to many people who I've known since I came here; they are people who have helped me hold it together and enjoy my time, and they stopped me from dwelling on the things I could have dwelled on constantly. Some of the interactions were small, some weren't, but I will miss them all.
Going back will not be like taking the same space I had when I left. That space has changed, and so have I. I'm not feeling as confident as I remember, but hopefully that will change soon. I know more than I did. I want to stay in touch with as much of what I've learned and as many of who I've met as I can. I know this is the best thing for me. I can barely wait.
But now that I'm so close to the end of this stay in Atlanta, I feel like a car that's falling apart as it crosses the finish line. No, nothing specific in my life is falling apart, but I am feeling mentally run down, less capable, not functioning to my full potential. I'm accomplishing little to nothing at work and at home right now. I try to stop my mind from being 100% occupied by my return to Rhode Island. Less than 72 hours left, and less than two days of work.
Maybe you know this from your own life, but distance in relationships is not easy. Also, its effect is not simple. Some may think that it's a big weight that you carry, and if it doesn't break both of you, it will make you stronger. It's more sinister than that: distance will clue you in to the little things that you need to do better. The way it wears on you will change every day. Physical distance can show you when you make emotional distance happen. I've got a very strong person who has been weathering it with me, and I think it has made us both stronger. Now, as that distance goes away, I want the chance to show her how strong I can be for her when I'm there with her.
These last few days have been interesting in terms of my interactions with people. When I left friends in Prov, it was a "c'ya later" for the most part, even to those who I might never see again. Saying goodbye hits me totally different right now. I've just potentially said my final farewells (in person at least) to many people who I've known since I came here; they are people who have helped me hold it together and enjoy my time, and they stopped me from dwelling on the things I could have dwelled on constantly. Some of the interactions were small, some weren't, but I will miss them all.
Going back will not be like taking the same space I had when I left. That space has changed, and so have I. I'm not feeling as confident as I remember, but hopefully that will change soon. I know more than I did. I want to stay in touch with as much of what I've learned and as many of who I've met as I can. I know this is the best thing for me. I can barely wait.
posted by Jahi @ 10:56 PM
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